Sunday, October 14, 2007

No, I'm not Perfect and I'm Trying to Embrace That!

If I could drop my inner critic I figure I would be half the person I am now. My inner critic can get so LARGE at time, I think I would probably go from a size XX to M poundage-wise if I could just ditch that HUGE inner voice. I am sure part of it is being a Virgo. After all we can be our own worse enemies. Believe me, I know more about my faults than anyone else.

But I am trying to listen less to that inner voice. For example, these pumpkins. I got a wild hair one night, found some patterns surfing the web and tried out different patterns. The best one is from knitty.com. Did a knitted one and then one where I just wrapped yarn around a ball of polyfil and took them into work and set them on top of my computer. I was "OK" with them, but after being at work for only 1 hour, someone came up and bought them!

Then I have a second person who is going to pay me to make little table clothes for her granddaughters' little play tables.....because I can sew and she has seen "what beautiful work I do". If you asked me, I would tell you "yeah, I can sew, barely".

But I am getting better at ignoring my inner critic and listening to my inner muse and my inner creative voices. My BF has commented several times now about how, when I was in church with her and they asked for people to identify themselves as artists, I raised my hand.

Being an artist is not what puts food on my table. But I am slowly shoving the doubting voices away and identifying myself as a writer/artist. The family cookbook I have talked about doing for years now, is nearing completion. I have the recipes 99% done, am pulling old family recipes and scanning handwritten recipes and other items I want to include in the cookbook. I have a rough outline of what was starting out to be 1 "trashy paranormal romance" which split out into a trilogy.

My BF's birthday is coming up and I am trying to/needing to/having to embrace the financially poor me and creating her birthday presents. I always feel like making her gifts is somehow second rate to buying her something. But no, this year I am holding my head up high and making her presents. Each one has a special meaning to her and thus as I work on them, I am thinking about her and all she has come to mean to me and my girls. So in many ways this is a 2-way present. I am giving something to her which should have a lot of meaning to her, it's one of a kind and at the same time I am getting something back by having spent time thinking about her and all she means to me.

So no, my drawing, painting, beading is not "perfect". And my scales will still read XXX when I climb on them today. But at least for the moment, I am not listening to that doubting voice in my head and feel better for it already.

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